1 00:03:02,430 --> 00:03:04,850 Kinda lonesome back here. 2 00:03:05,308 --> 00:03:06,348 Yeah, little help. 3 00:03:07,686 --> 00:03:12,146 Okay, just, I have to keep my hands on the wheel. 4 00:03:13,859 --> 00:03:14,979 Excuse me. 5 00:03:16,653 --> 00:03:17,953 Dopinder. 6 00:03:17,988 --> 00:03:19,988 Pool. Dead. 7 00:03:21,658 --> 00:03:22,618 Nice. 8 00:03:23,785 --> 00:03:24,905 Smells good, no? 9 00:03:24,953 --> 00:03:26,833 Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl. 10 00:03:27,539 --> 00:03:30,379 Yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. 11 00:03:30,876 --> 00:03:34,496 She would have made me a very agreeable wife. 12 00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:38,840 But, Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu. 13 00:03:38,884 --> 00:03:42,854 He is as dishonorable as he is attractive. 14 00:03:44,014 --> 00:03:47,854 Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's a reason I'm in this cab today. 15 00:03:48,185 --> 00:03:49,645 Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember? 16 00:03:49,686 --> 00:03:54,516 No, my slender brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. 17 00:03:54,566 --> 00:03:57,356 When you find it, the whole world tastes like Daffodil Daydream. 18 00:03:58,570 --> 00:04:00,360 So you gotta hold onto love... 19 00:04:00,697 --> 00:04:02,157 tight! 20 00:04:02,199 --> 00:04:05,159 And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did. 21 00:04:05,202 --> 00:04:06,452 -Got it? -Yeah. 22 00:04:06,494 --> 00:04:10,004 Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga. 23 00:04:10,540 --> 00:04:12,880 Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like? 24 00:04:12,918 --> 00:04:15,878 -Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. -Okay, enough. 25 00:04:15,921 --> 00:04:18,841 I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad! 26 00:04:18,882 --> 00:04:20,592 It's bad. 27 00:04:21,176 --> 00:04:23,846 Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? 28 00:04:23,887 --> 00:04:25,847 That's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. 29 00:04:25,889 --> 00:04:28,389 And I'm after someone on my naughty list. 30 00:04:28,433 --> 00:04:30,023 I've been waiting one year, three weeks... 31 00:04:30,060 --> 00:04:32,020 six days and... 32 00:04:32,062 --> 00:04:34,402 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me. 33 00:04:36,024 --> 00:04:38,364 And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool? 34 00:04:38,401 --> 00:04:39,741 This shit... 35 00:04:41,279 --> 00:04:41,949 Boo! 36 00:05:02,884 --> 00:05:03,974 They won't disappoint. 37 00:05:04,636 --> 00:05:06,426 They'd better not. 38 00:05:06,471 --> 00:05:08,891 And what about next month's shipment? 39 00:05:08,932 --> 00:05:10,682 There won't be one. 40 00:05:10,725 --> 00:05:12,265 You're not the only one with a war to win. 41 00:05:13,478 --> 00:05:14,898 That won't do. 42 00:05:17,816 --> 00:05:21,736 See, we've had this small disruption to our supply chain... 43 00:05:25,574 --> 00:05:27,784 We'd appreciate your patience. 44 00:05:30,287 --> 00:05:31,287 Okay. 45 00:05:31,788 --> 00:05:34,288 We'll deliver in full the following month. 46 00:05:37,794 --> 00:05:38,844 Pleasure doing business with you. 47 00:05:42,799 --> 00:05:44,509 Fucking mutant. 48 00:05:54,519 --> 00:05:56,099 Ah, shit! 49 00:05:56,146 --> 00:05:57,516 I forgot my ammo bag. 50 00:05:57,856 --> 00:06:00,106 -Shall we turn back? -No, no time. 51 00:06:00,525 --> 00:06:02,105 Fuck it. I got this. 52 00:06:02,152 --> 00:06:05,492 9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust. 53 00:06:05,530 --> 00:06:06,240 Right here! 54 00:06:08,533 --> 00:06:11,123 That's $27.50. 55 00:06:11,161 --> 00:06:12,871 I never carry a wallet when I'm working. 56 00:06:12,913 --> 00:06:14,333 Ruins the lines of my suit. 57 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,250 But, how about a crisp high five? 58 00:06:17,626 --> 00:06:18,456 Okay. 59 00:06:18,502 --> 00:06:19,752 Merry Christmas. 60 00:06:21,087 --> 00:06:24,087 And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool! 61 00:06:27,719 --> 00:06:32,599 Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop 62 00:06:32,641 --> 00:06:34,641 You're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back 63 00:06:34,684 --> 00:06:37,444 Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that 64 00:06:37,479 --> 00:06:39,899 Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie? 65 00:06:39,940 --> 00:06:42,150 If looks could kill you would be an uzi 66 00:06:42,192 --> 00:06:43,652 You're a shotgun - bang! 67 00:06:45,403 --> 00:06:48,743 Oh, hello. I know, right? 68 00:06:48,782 --> 00:06:52,492 Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? 69 00:06:52,536 --> 00:06:56,116 I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "Polverine." 70 00:06:56,373 --> 00:07:01,923 And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. 71 00:07:01,962 --> 00:07:06,172 Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and... 72 00:07:06,216 --> 00:07:08,886 Bad guys to kill. 73 00:07:14,307 --> 00:07:15,557 Maximum effort. 74 00:07:25,569 --> 00:07:26,399 Cock shot. 75 00:07:34,202 --> 00:07:36,292 Rich Corinthian leather. 76 00:07:38,248 --> 00:07:40,078 I'm looking for Francis! 77 00:07:40,625 --> 00:07:41,915 Have you seen this man? 78 00:07:52,262 --> 00:07:53,182 Yanky, yanky! 79 00:08:25,879 --> 00:08:28,169 I've never said this, but don't swallow. 80 00:08:49,528 --> 00:08:51,028 Shit. 81 00:08:51,655 --> 00:08:53,665 Did I leave the stove on? 82 00:09:11,174 --> 00:09:12,514 Now, breaking news. 83 00:09:12,884 --> 00:09:16,434 A multi-car collision turned shots fired on the crosstown expressway this morning. 84 00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:18,717 Gridlock has kept police from the scene. 85 00:09:19,182 --> 00:09:21,682 Residents are advised to remain in their homes. 86 00:09:21,726 --> 00:09:24,806 The assailant appears to be armed, dangerous, and wearing... 87 00:09:24,855 --> 00:09:26,275 -a red suit. -A red suit. 88 00:09:26,940 --> 00:09:28,190 Deadpool. 89 00:09:28,233 --> 00:09:30,943 Negasonic! Come, we have mission. 90 00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:34,322 Colossus, wait up. 91 00:09:34,364 --> 00:09:37,744 I've given Deadpool every chance to join us... 92 00:09:37,784 --> 00:09:39,994 but he'd rather act like a child. 93 00:09:40,036 --> 00:09:42,536 A heavily-armed child. 94 00:09:42,581 --> 00:09:46,331 When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man? 95 00:09:46,376 --> 00:09:48,206 Which benefits? The matching unitards? 96 00:09:48,545 --> 00:09:50,425 The house that blows up every few years? 97 00:09:50,463 --> 00:09:51,513 Please. 98 00:09:51,548 --> 00:09:53,878 House blowing up builds character. 99 00:09:54,384 --> 00:09:56,264 You ate breakfast, yes? 100 00:09:56,303 --> 00:09:58,553 Breakfast is most important meal of day. 101 00:09:59,472 --> 00:10:03,772 Here, protein bar. Good for bones. 102 00:10:03,810 --> 00:10:06,150 Deadpool may try to break yours. 103 00:10:14,821 --> 00:10:15,951 Get out of the way! 104 00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:34,967 Hey! 105 00:10:46,144 --> 00:10:47,444 Wait! 106 00:10:47,771 --> 00:10:49,901 You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" 107 00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:51,860 Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. 108 00:10:52,901 --> 00:10:54,111 This guy's got the right idea. 109 00:10:54,444 --> 00:10:55,784 He wore the brown pants. 110 00:10:57,739 --> 00:10:59,909 Fine! I only have 12 bullets... 111 00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,620 so you're gonna have to share! 112 00:11:01,660 --> 00:11:03,450 Let's count them down. 113 00:11:22,806 --> 00:11:23,926 Shit. 114 00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:28,687 Motherfucker! 115 00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:31,110 10! Shit! 116 00:11:31,773 --> 00:11:32,693 Nine. Fuck. 117 00:11:33,149 --> 00:11:33,779 Eight. 118 00:11:34,359 --> 00:11:35,319 Shit-fuck! 119 00:11:39,114 --> 00:11:40,324 Bad Deadpool. 120 00:11:41,783 --> 00:11:43,953 Seven. Good Deadpool. 121 00:12:06,224 --> 00:12:08,734 Someone's not counting. Six. 122 00:12:35,337 --> 00:12:36,547 Four. 123 00:12:38,882 --> 00:12:39,922 Gotcha. 124 00:12:41,676 --> 00:12:42,926 Right up Main Street. 125 00:12:47,015 --> 00:12:48,135 Three, two! 126 00:12:48,183 --> 00:12:50,063 Stupid! Worth it. 127 00:13:16,419 --> 00:13:18,379 I'm touching myself tonight. 128 00:13:19,214 --> 00:13:20,304 Francis! 129 00:13:20,715 --> 00:13:21,915 Francis... 130 00:13:23,927 --> 00:13:26,177 What the shit-biscuit! 131 00:13:26,221 --> 00:13:27,931 Where you at, Francis? 132 00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:37,897 You're not Francis. 133 00:13:45,949 --> 00:13:48,369 Really? Rolling up the sleeves? 134 00:13:58,753 --> 00:14:02,053 You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie... 135 00:14:02,090 --> 00:14:05,890 "but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" 136 00:14:06,136 --> 00:14:10,466 Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. 137 00:14:10,807 --> 00:14:13,017 And, yeah, technically, this is a murder. 138 00:14:13,059 --> 00:14:15,349 But some of the best love stories start with a murder. 139 00:14:15,395 --> 00:14:18,435 And that's exactly what this is. A love story. 140 00:14:18,481 --> 00:14:19,901 And to tell it right... 141 00:14:19,941 --> 00:14:24,741 I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex. 142 00:14:25,822 --> 00:14:30,792 Look, would it help if I slow it down for you? I didn't order the pizza. 143 00:14:30,827 --> 00:14:34,617 Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant? 144 00:14:34,664 --> 00:14:37,794 Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie! 145 00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:39,288 Then who placed the call? 146 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,170 I did! 147 00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:44,917 Pineapple and olive? 148 00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:48,387 Sweet and salty. 149 00:14:48,428 --> 00:14:51,558 The fuck are you? The fuck you doing in my crib... 150 00:14:51,598 --> 00:14:52,518 Is it burnt crust? 151 00:14:52,849 --> 00:14:54,139 God, I hope not. 152 00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:56,638 Man, look, if this is about that poker game. 153 00:14:56,686 --> 00:14:58,976 I told Howie, I told him that... 154 00:14:59,022 --> 00:15:02,982 Okay, look, just take whatever you want. 155 00:15:03,026 --> 00:15:04,106 Thanks. 156 00:15:05,028 --> 00:15:07,658 Sir, before you do anything to him, do you mind if I get a big tip? 157 00:15:09,199 --> 00:15:11,079 Jeremy, is it? 158 00:15:11,117 --> 00:15:12,537 Wade. Wade Wilson. 159 00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:16,662 That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer. 160 00:15:16,706 --> 00:15:18,166 I'm not here for him. 161 00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,132 I'm here for you. 162 00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,670 Okay, wow, dodged a big-time bullet on that one. 163 00:15:23,713 --> 00:15:25,633 Not out of the woods yet. 164 00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:28,586 You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. 165 00:15:28,635 --> 00:15:30,605 They're jeans, not a chandelier. 166 00:15:30,637 --> 00:15:32,927 P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me. 167 00:15:32,973 --> 00:15:34,773 Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card... 168 00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:37,058 I will shoot your fucking cat! 169 00:15:37,894 --> 00:15:40,314 I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat. 170 00:15:40,647 --> 00:15:42,397 Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in? 171 00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,698 Anyhoo, tell me something... 172 00:15:48,738 --> 00:15:52,488 what situation isn't improved by pizza? 173 00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,874 Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky? 174 00:15:54,911 --> 00:15:56,541 Getting that right? Orflosky? 175 00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,870 Orlovsky? Yeah? Good. 176 00:16:00,083 --> 00:16:01,383 Because she knows you. 177 00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:05,878 Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. 178 00:16:05,922 --> 00:16:08,842 And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her... 179 00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,184 I got a soft spot. 180 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,720 -But I'm a... -A stalker. 181 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,810 Threats hurt, Jer. 182 00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:18,308 Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel. 183 00:16:18,351 --> 00:16:21,561 So keep away from Meghan. 184 00:16:21,605 --> 00:16:22,525 Cool? 185 00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:23,824 Yes, sir. 186 00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:24,607 Then we're done. 187 00:16:25,108 --> 00:16:27,238 Wait. We are? 188 00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:28,947 Yeah. We're totally done. 189 00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:31,073 You should’ve seen your face. 190 00:16:31,114 --> 00:16:32,414 I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. 191 00:16:32,699 --> 00:16:33,779 Soft spot, remember? 192 00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:37,375 You even look in her general direction again... 193 00:16:37,412 --> 00:16:41,122 and you will learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots too. 194 00:16:43,126 --> 00:16:44,456 That came out wrong. 195 00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:46,799 Or did it? 196 00:17:00,101 --> 00:17:00,981 Meghan? 197 00:17:04,147 --> 00:17:05,647 You've heard the last of Jeremy. He's sorry. 198 00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,323 No friggin' way. 199 00:17:13,156 --> 00:17:15,776 Should've brought my roller blades. Show these kids how it's done. 200 00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:19,366 And that's why we do it. But mostly the money. 201 00:17:19,412 --> 00:17:21,292 Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad? 202 00:17:21,331 --> 00:17:24,001 I give a guy a pavement facial, it's because he's earned it. 203 00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:25,958 Hey, wait! 204 00:17:27,587 --> 00:17:28,757 You're my hero. 205 00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:31,297 No-no-no-no. That I ain't! 206 00:17:33,176 --> 00:17:35,466 Nope. Never will be. 207 00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:37,346 Fuck you, Wade. 208 00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:41,181 I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. 209 00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:44,234 Welcome to Sister Margaret's. 210 00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:46,611 It's like a job fair for mercenaries. 211 00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:49,324 Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies... 212 00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:52,069 except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. 213 00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:55,162 You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card. 214 00:17:55,198 --> 00:17:57,028 Buck! Liefeld... 215 00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:58,327 Hey, Wade! 216 00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:01,332 Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you? 217 00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,122 I'd love a Blow Job. 218 00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:04,673 Oh, God, me too. 219 00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,708 The drink, moose knuckle. But first... 220 00:18:08,378 --> 00:18:10,418 Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right? 221 00:18:10,463 --> 00:18:12,303 Make sure that gets back to Ms... 222 00:18:12,340 --> 00:18:13,340 Orlovsky. 223 00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:14,343 Yeah, her. 224 00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:15,644 You sure? 225 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:18,346 You know, for a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. 226 00:18:18,388 --> 00:18:20,308 I bet you let the kid off easy, too. 227 00:18:20,348 --> 00:18:22,268 He's not a bad kid, Weas. 228 00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:23,689 Just a little light stalking. 229 00:18:23,727 --> 00:18:25,187 I was way worse than him when I was his age. 230 00:18:25,228 --> 00:18:27,148 I was traveling to exotic places... 231 00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:31,189 Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then... 232 00:18:31,651 --> 00:18:33,531 Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your Instagram. 233 00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:36,284 So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway? 234 00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:37,873 That's classified. 235 00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:40,198 They have a wonderful TGI Fridays. 236 00:18:40,243 --> 00:18:42,543 All right, Kahlua, Baileys and... 237 00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:43,869 whipped cream. 238 00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,004 I give you a Blow Job. 239 00:18:46,499 --> 00:18:47,879 Why do you make me make that? 240 00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,708 Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... 241 00:18:49,753 --> 00:18:53,213 Take that over to Buck, please, and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay. 242 00:18:53,256 --> 00:18:55,546 Remind me what good will come of this? 243 00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,642 I don't take the shits. I just disturb them. 244 00:18:57,677 --> 00:18:58,217 Boothe! 245 00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:00,224 -Easy, man. -Hold up! Hold up! 246 00:19:00,263 --> 00:19:01,263 What you want? 247 00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:06,390 -Cheers. To your health. -Fuck you. 248 00:19:06,895 --> 00:19:09,065 Come here, you fat fuck! 249 00:19:09,105 --> 00:19:10,565 That's a new stool. 250 00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,895 Stay the fuck down. 251 00:19:19,574 --> 00:19:21,244 Whoa! Took his ass out! 252 00:19:21,284 --> 00:19:23,204 All right, move. Move, move, move. 253 00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:24,295 Buck, go rest. 254 00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:26,912 Boothe got hit then went down. 255 00:19:30,710 --> 00:19:33,380 Yeah, he's still breathing. 256 00:19:36,049 --> 00:19:37,589 Nobody wins today. 257 00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,264 Nice try, Wade. 258 00:19:39,302 --> 00:19:42,932 You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool. Who did you pick? 259 00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,933 Yeah, Wade, about that... 260 00:19:45,433 --> 00:19:46,233 No. 261 00:19:46,643 --> 00:19:48,483 You did not bet on me to die. 262 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:54,896 You bet on me to die. Wow. Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. 263 00:19:55,318 --> 00:19:57,608 Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. 264 00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,914 And then dying. Like the city of Detroit. 265 00:19:59,948 --> 00:20:02,778 I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money. 266 00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:04,116 I never win anything. 267 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,290 Whatever. 268 00:20:05,328 --> 00:20:06,908 Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me! 269 00:20:09,332 --> 00:20:11,252 Domestic, nothing imported. 270 00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:19,177 Baby, are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad? 271 00:20:21,469 --> 00:20:22,469 Tight. 272 00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:26,099 -Vanessa. -Wade. 273 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,603 What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this? 274 00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:31,228 I'd hit that. 275 00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:34,322 Buck, you best apologize before... 276 00:20:35,066 --> 00:20:36,856 Yeah, that. 277 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,572 Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf. 278 00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,492 -I'm sorry. -Breathe through the nose. 279 00:20:40,530 --> 00:20:42,700 I don't have a filter between my brain and my... 280 00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:43,991 Let go. Okay. Hey... 281 00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:47,253 -Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry. -I'm working on it. 282 00:20:47,287 --> 00:20:49,247 Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell. 283 00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:52,251 Hey. Hands off the merchandise. 284 00:20:53,793 --> 00:20:54,843 Merchandise? 285 00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:57,797 So you... 286 00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:59,259 bump fuzzies for money? 287 00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:00,049 Yep. 288 00:21:00,091 --> 00:21:01,341 Rough childhood? 289 00:21:01,384 --> 00:21:02,434 Rougher than yours. 290 00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:04,049 Daddy left before I was born. 291 00:21:04,679 --> 00:21:06,219 Daddy left before I was conceived. 292 00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:08,772 Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? 293 00:21:09,142 --> 00:21:10,482 Where else do you put one out? 294 00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:11,809 I was molested. 295 00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:13,563 Me too. Uncle. 296 00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:15,905 Uncles. They took turns. 297 00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:18,821 I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet... 298 00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:20,240 which also happens to be my... 299 00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:23,108 Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box. 300 00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:25,239 You had a dishwasher. 301 00:21:25,700 --> 00:21:26,870 I didn't even know sleep. 302 00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:30,160 It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn. 303 00:21:34,209 --> 00:21:35,459 Who would do such a thing? 304 00:21:37,128 --> 00:21:40,588 Hopefully you, later tonight? 305 00:21:43,426 --> 00:21:48,346 Hey, what can I get for $275 and a... 306 00:21:49,558 --> 00:21:51,268 a Yogurtland rewards card? 307 00:21:51,309 --> 00:21:53,939 Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. 308 00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,147 And a low-fat dessert. 309 00:22:04,155 --> 00:22:06,445 Did she just put a gift card in your mouth? 310 00:22:07,784 --> 00:22:09,914 It's time to put balls in holes. 311 00:22:10,954 --> 00:22:12,464 You said whatever I want. 312 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,170 I get it. 313 00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:16,133 You love skee ball. 314 00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:18,458 Apparently more than you love vagina. 315 00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:19,963 That's a tough call. 316 00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:23,129 I just wanna get to know the real you, you know. 317 00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:27,015 Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood. 318 00:22:27,429 --> 00:22:28,139 Balls in holes. 319 00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:30,256 Balls in holes. 320 00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:31,925 Prepare to lose tragically. 321 00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:33,105 Bring it, big man. 322 00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:34,143 Okay. 323 00:22:40,483 --> 00:22:44,863 The limited edition Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. 324 00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:47,822 Okay. Here we go. 325 00:22:48,783 --> 00:22:50,913 Had my eye on this sucker for a while. 326 00:22:50,952 --> 00:22:52,792 And I will take the pencil eraser. 327 00:22:52,829 --> 00:22:54,249 Okay. 328 00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:57,079 You are now the protector of the planet Arus. 329 00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:59,085 And you can erase stuff... 330 00:22:59,127 --> 00:23:00,457 written in pencil. 331 00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:02,257 M'lady? 332 00:23:02,297 --> 00:23:03,627 Well, I hate to break it to you... 333 00:23:03,673 --> 00:23:05,513 but your 48 minutes are up. 334 00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:08,799 Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this? 335 00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:13,345 FYI, five mini lion-bots come together to form one super-bot, so... 336 00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:16,813 Five mini lion-bots? Three minutes. 337 00:23:16,853 --> 00:23:17,813 Deal. 338 00:23:17,854 --> 00:23:20,154 What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds? 339 00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:22,033 Cuddle? 340 00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:27,863 How long can you keep this up? 341 00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:29,163 All year? 342 00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:41,715 Happy Valentine's Day. 343 00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:50,974 Happy Chinese New Year. 344 00:23:51,012 --> 00:23:52,352 Year of the Dog. 345 00:23:57,561 --> 00:23:58,731 Relax. 346 00:23:59,312 --> 00:24:01,402 And Happy International Women's Day. 347 00:24:06,319 --> 00:24:09,069 No. No. No. 348 00:24:11,408 --> 00:24:12,578 Happy Lent. 349 00:24:17,831 --> 00:24:19,121 -Wade? -Sorry. 350 00:24:19,165 --> 00:24:20,495 Happy Halloween. 351 00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:21,746 Happy Halloween. 352 00:24:31,511 --> 00:24:33,221 Happy Thanksgiving. 353 00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:36,433 I love you. 354 00:24:40,228 --> 00:24:42,308 If your left leg is Thanksgiving... 355 00:24:42,355 --> 00:24:44,015 and your right leg is Christmas... 356 00:24:45,358 --> 00:24:46,858 can I visit you between the holidays? 357 00:24:48,778 --> 00:24:50,608 That sweater is terrible. 358 00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:53,325 But red looks good on you. 359 00:24:53,366 --> 00:24:54,486 Red's your color. 360 00:24:54,534 --> 00:24:56,294 Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes. 361 00:24:57,204 --> 00:24:58,414 Listen, I've been thinking... 362 00:24:58,455 --> 00:24:59,295 Really? 363 00:25:00,123 --> 00:25:01,793 ...about why we're so good together. 364 00:25:02,209 --> 00:25:03,289 Why's that? 365 00:25:05,295 --> 00:25:07,805 Your crazy matches my crazy. Big time. 366 00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:12,930 And, we're like two jigsaw pieces, you know, the weird curvy edges... 367 00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:15,723 You put them together and you can see the picture on top. 368 00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:17,603 Right. 369 00:25:18,225 --> 00:25:19,315 Wade... 370 00:25:19,976 --> 00:25:22,556 there's something I've been meaning to ask you. 371 00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:25,114 But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me. 372 00:25:27,234 --> 00:25:28,284 Will you... 373 00:25:29,486 --> 00:25:31,396 -stick it in my... -Marry me? 374 00:25:34,407 --> 00:25:35,407 Jinx? 375 00:25:37,285 --> 00:25:38,445 Where were you hiding that? 376 00:25:38,495 --> 00:25:39,505 Nowhere. 377 00:25:40,580 --> 00:25:42,250 They say one month's salary. So... 378 00:25:42,290 --> 00:25:43,290 You mean? 379 00:25:43,333 --> 00:25:44,463 I do. 380 00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:45,501 That's my line. 381 00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:50,469 I love you, Wade Wilson. 382 00:25:51,299 --> 00:25:52,629 You're supposed to... So that's a... 383 00:25:52,676 --> 00:25:53,506 Yes! 384 00:25:54,928 --> 00:25:56,008 Yes! 385 00:25:58,139 --> 00:25:59,599 I feel just like a little girl. 386 00:26:04,938 --> 00:26:07,268 What if I just held on and never let go? 387 00:26:07,315 --> 00:26:09,855 Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke. 388 00:26:10,861 --> 00:26:12,361 Star Wars jokes. 389 00:26:12,821 --> 00:26:14,031 Empire. 390 00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:18,700 Jesus Christ. It's like I made you in a computer. 391 00:26:23,039 --> 00:26:24,039 Hey. 392 00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:26,135 Perfect. 393 00:26:30,297 --> 00:26:31,797 -Let's see. -All right, wee break. 394 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,130 Shake it, yeah. 395 00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:40,519 Here's the thing. 396 00:26:40,891 --> 00:26:42,851 Life is an endless series of train-wrecks... 397 00:26:42,893 --> 00:26:46,403 with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness. 398 00:26:47,355 --> 00:26:50,065 This had been the ultimate commercial break. 399 00:26:52,527 --> 00:26:55,777 Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program. 400 00:26:55,822 --> 00:26:56,572 What the... 401 00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:58,829 Oh, my God. Wade? 402 00:27:05,123 --> 00:27:06,373 You're clowning. 403 00:27:06,875 --> 00:27:08,255 You're not clowning? 404 00:27:08,668 --> 00:27:09,668 I sense clowns. 405 00:27:10,086 --> 00:27:13,586 People react to news of late-stage cancer differently. 406 00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:18,182 There are certainly options we can look into. New drugs are being developed every day. 407 00:27:22,724 --> 00:27:23,854 So what do we do? 408 00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:26,686 Surely there is something we can do. 409 00:27:27,854 --> 00:27:30,484 My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer... 410 00:27:30,524 --> 00:27:33,074 and there were all these new experimental drugs from Germany. 411 00:27:33,109 --> 00:27:37,359 Vanessa's already working on Plan A, B, all the way through Z. 412 00:27:37,656 --> 00:27:41,196 Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. 413 00:27:41,868 --> 00:27:44,248 Like it's the first time I'm seeing it. 414 00:27:44,621 --> 00:27:45,461 Or the last. 415 00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:46,997 Mr. Wilson... 416 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:48,460 Mr. Wilson? 417 00:27:48,875 --> 00:27:51,165 Take your time to process this. 418 00:27:52,212 --> 00:27:54,132 It's important not to do anything rash. 419 00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:10,944 Now, if I were a 200-pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide? 420 00:28:36,423 --> 00:28:40,803 A hush falls over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson... 421 00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:44,314 out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. 422 00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:47,644 His form looks good. 423 00:28:49,769 --> 00:28:53,559 And that's why Regina rhymes with fun. 424 00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:56,479 Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing... 425 00:28:56,526 --> 00:28:58,776 is sweet dick-kicking revenge. 426 00:28:59,821 --> 00:29:01,281 Giving him the business. 427 00:29:01,865 --> 00:29:02,785 Incoming! 428 00:29:03,909 --> 00:29:07,659 This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level! 429 00:29:13,001 --> 00:29:16,671 Looking good, Francis. Well rested. Like you've been pitching, not catching. 430 00:29:17,255 --> 00:29:19,215 Ringing any bells? No? 431 00:29:24,179 --> 00:29:25,429 How about now? 432 00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:31,604 Wade fucking Wilson. 433 00:29:34,105 --> 00:29:35,395 Well, hello, gorgeous. 434 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,440 Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar-Pei. 435 00:29:38,485 --> 00:29:41,655 Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? 436 00:29:41,696 --> 00:29:43,736 Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butterface. 437 00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:46,782 Please, you should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. 438 00:29:47,118 --> 00:29:48,748 I'm actually quite jealous. 439 00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:51,037 Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it? 440 00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:57,254 Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s. 441 00:29:59,673 --> 00:30:00,423 Dad? 442 00:30:04,052 --> 00:30:08,472 I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way. 443 00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:11,476 Well, maybe not the most. 444 00:30:13,061 --> 00:30:15,731 This is my most prized possession. 445 00:30:16,398 --> 00:30:17,358 Wham? 446 00:30:17,399 --> 00:30:19,229 No, no, no. Wham! 447 00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:23,238 Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point. 448 00:30:24,281 --> 00:30:27,201 So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door? 449 00:30:27,242 --> 00:30:28,832 Think of it like spring cleaning. 450 00:30:28,869 --> 00:30:30,159 Only if spring was death. 451 00:30:30,203 --> 00:30:34,173 God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters. 452 00:30:35,208 --> 00:30:36,668 Sounds like you do. 453 00:30:37,502 --> 00:30:41,462 Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. 454 00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:42,296 Drink. 455 00:30:42,716 --> 00:30:45,466 You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. 456 00:30:45,510 --> 00:30:46,640 All things I can live without. 457 00:30:48,972 --> 00:30:50,972 You belong here at home. 458 00:30:51,016 --> 00:30:54,636 Surrounded by your Voltron and your Bernadette, and your me. 459 00:30:55,979 --> 00:30:59,439 Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. 460 00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:07,369 Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-opening-for-the- Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa-State-Fair shit-show. 461 00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:12,656 And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. 462 00:31:14,039 --> 00:31:15,669 I want you to remember me. 463 00:31:17,209 --> 00:31:19,039 Not the ghost of Christmas me. 464 00:31:19,085 --> 00:31:20,875 Well, I wanna remember us. 465 00:31:21,338 --> 00:31:23,008 I swear to God, I will find you in the next life... 466 00:31:23,048 --> 00:31:26,218 and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window. 467 00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:27,679 Wham! 468 00:31:31,056 --> 00:31:34,056 No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? 469 00:31:36,645 --> 00:31:38,025 We can fight this. 470 00:31:41,191 --> 00:31:43,361 Besides, I just realized something. 471 00:31:44,194 --> 00:31:49,324 You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine. 472 00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:54,745 I love you. 473 00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:07,554 Wade. 474 00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:10,971 Weas. 475 00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:13,562 You look like you need a Blow Job and a shower. 476 00:32:13,598 --> 00:32:15,728 Though courtesy calls for the latter first. 477 00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,437 How about three shots of Patrón? 478 00:32:17,477 --> 00:32:21,227 Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheatgrass. 479 00:32:21,273 --> 00:32:22,653 Excellent for the immune system. 480 00:32:22,691 --> 00:32:24,781 Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa. 481 00:32:24,818 --> 00:32:25,988 Here, check it out. 482 00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:29,487 She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. 483 00:32:29,531 --> 00:32:31,281 I'm sure they're all FDA approved. 484 00:32:31,741 --> 00:32:34,701 Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to get cancer? 485 00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:37,504 You got China and Central Mexico. 486 00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:40,206 You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish? 487 00:32:40,250 --> 00:32:41,290 No. 488 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,670 El Cáncer. 489 00:32:43,712 --> 00:32:45,552 I could have guessed that. 490 00:32:45,922 --> 00:32:47,472 Look how happy you look here. 491 00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:51,507 Mind if I keep this? Put it up, so I can remember when you looked alive. 492 00:32:52,012 --> 00:32:53,972 At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool. 493 00:32:54,014 --> 00:32:56,724 Now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer. 494 00:32:56,766 --> 00:32:58,346 I got it, Weas. Thanks. 495 00:33:01,146 --> 00:33:03,816 And that guy over there came in looking for you. 496 00:33:03,857 --> 00:33:06,727 Real Grim Reaper type. 497 00:33:06,776 --> 00:33:08,736 I don't know. Might further the plot. 498 00:33:12,741 --> 00:33:13,831 Boothe. 499 00:33:13,867 --> 00:33:14,947 Wade. 500 00:33:20,332 --> 00:33:21,252 Mr. Wilson. 501 00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:22,920 How can I help you? 502 00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:25,669 Besides luring children into a panel van. 503 00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:29,382 I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. 504 00:33:29,424 --> 00:33:30,554 Stalker alert. 505 00:33:30,592 --> 00:33:32,762 It's my job. Recruitment. 506 00:33:33,512 --> 00:33:35,932 I'm sorry you've had such a tough go. 507 00:33:37,057 --> 00:33:39,347 But you're a fighter. Special Forces. 508 00:33:39,392 --> 00:33:41,732 41 confirmed kills. 509 00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:43,690 One every seven weeks. 510 00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:45,610 Same rate most folks get a haircut. 511 00:33:46,775 --> 00:33:48,035 It's to wash the taste out. 512 00:33:48,318 --> 00:33:51,528 It's tough to forget being so impressive. 513 00:33:51,571 --> 00:33:55,661 And now you spend your days sticking up for the little people... 514 00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:57,240 People change. What do you want? 515 00:33:57,619 --> 00:34:00,659 I represent an organization that may be able to help. 516 00:34:02,624 --> 00:34:06,294 What if I told you we can cure your cancer? 517 00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:11,010 And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of? 518 00:34:14,678 --> 00:34:18,768 I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like Slap Chop. 519 00:34:18,807 --> 00:34:20,427 More Shake Weight-y. 520 00:34:20,475 --> 00:34:23,475 The world needs extraordinary soldiers. 521 00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:25,690 We won't just make you better. 522 00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:28,690 We will make you better than better. 523 00:34:29,734 --> 00:34:30,994 A superhero. 524 00:34:31,319 --> 00:34:36,319 Look, Agent Smith, I tried the hero business and it left a mark. 525 00:34:36,783 --> 00:34:39,413 But if I ever hit "fuck it," I'll look you up. 526 00:34:41,830 --> 00:34:44,670 Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, so you may wanna... 527 00:34:49,671 --> 00:34:50,881 His drink's on him. 528 00:34:56,553 --> 00:34:58,303 What did he say? 529 00:35:20,952 --> 00:35:22,542 Hey, what's going on? 530 00:35:23,538 --> 00:35:25,038 Hey. Sorry. 531 00:35:26,499 --> 00:35:28,499 I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. 532 00:35:29,377 --> 00:35:32,547 I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. 533 00:35:40,263 --> 00:35:44,483 Hey, they've made three of those movies. 534 00:35:45,477 --> 00:35:48,647 At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent. 535 00:36:03,036 --> 00:36:06,656 The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you... 536 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,920 but what it does to the people you love. 537 00:36:10,210 --> 00:36:12,920 Who knew if this guy could save my life... 538 00:36:12,963 --> 00:36:15,513 but I knew there was only one way that I could save hers. 539 00:36:19,678 --> 00:36:21,928 Isn't that what superheroes do? 540 00:36:34,276 --> 00:36:38,316 Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing. 541 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:43,200 Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass. 542 00:36:43,243 --> 00:36:44,623 Local dry cleaning discounts. 543 00:36:44,661 --> 00:36:48,711 Lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. 544 00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:51,918 Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets. 545 00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:53,670 You know, I can hear you. 546 00:36:53,712 --> 00:36:56,882 I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them. 547 00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:58,633 Stay right here. 548 00:36:59,009 --> 00:37:01,089 You've been warned before, Deadpool. 549 00:37:01,386 --> 00:37:05,006 This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. 550 00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:07,266 You will both be coming with us. 551 00:37:07,309 --> 00:37:11,229 Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now! 552 00:37:11,271 --> 00:37:13,111 And you are? 553 00:37:14,733 --> 00:37:16,573 Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 554 00:37:16,610 --> 00:37:20,070 Negasonic Teenage... What the shit? 555 00:37:20,113 --> 00:37:21,863 That's the coolest name ever! 556 00:37:23,408 --> 00:37:26,038 So, what, you're like, his sidekick? 557 00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:27,577 No. Trainee. 558 00:37:27,621 --> 00:37:29,081 Let me guess. 559 00:37:29,122 --> 00:37:31,622 X-Men left you behind on what? Shit detail? 560 00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:32,786 What does that make you? 561 00:37:32,834 --> 00:37:35,254 Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 562 00:37:35,295 --> 00:37:36,555 Can we trade names? 563 00:37:37,214 --> 00:37:38,214 Can we go? 564 00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:40,626 Look! I'm a teenage girl. 565 00:37:40,675 --> 00:37:42,885 I'd rather be anywhere than here. 566 00:37:42,928 --> 00:37:45,138 I'm all about long sullen silences... 567 00:37:45,180 --> 00:37:48,640 followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. 568 00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:52,439 So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence... 569 00:37:52,479 --> 00:37:55,019 or mean comment? Go on. 570 00:37:56,274 --> 00:37:57,574 You got me in a box here. 571 00:37:58,610 --> 00:38:00,570 We can't allow this, Deadpool. 572 00:38:00,612 --> 00:38:02,072 Please, come quietly. 573 00:38:02,113 --> 00:38:04,413 You big chrome cock-gobbler! 574 00:38:04,449 --> 00:38:05,449 That's not nice. 575 00:38:05,492 --> 00:38:06,992 You're really gonna fuck this up for me? 576 00:38:07,327 --> 00:38:11,747 Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. 577 00:38:11,790 --> 00:38:14,330 He's pure evil. 578 00:38:14,709 --> 00:38:17,999 Besides... nobody's getting hurt. 579 00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:25,601 That guy was already up there when I got here. 580 00:38:25,637 --> 00:38:28,807 Wade, you are better than this. 581 00:38:28,849 --> 00:38:32,349 -Join us. Use your powers for good. -Heads up. 582 00:38:32,394 --> 00:38:33,814 Be a superhero. 583 00:38:33,854 --> 00:38:34,774 Listen! 584 00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:37,153 The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler... 585 00:38:37,524 --> 00:38:40,614 who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland mansion... 586 00:38:40,652 --> 00:38:45,532 of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... 587 00:38:45,574 --> 00:38:47,334 on that day... 588 00:38:47,576 --> 00:38:49,616 I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request. 589 00:38:49,661 --> 00:38:52,161 But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do. 590 00:38:52,205 --> 00:38:54,955 Either that or slap the bitch outta you! 591 00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:56,250 -Wade... -Hey. 592 00:38:56,293 --> 00:38:57,503 Zip it, Sinéad! 593 00:38:57,544 --> 00:38:58,674 Hey, douche-pool! 594 00:38:58,712 --> 00:38:59,922 And I hope you're watching... 595 00:39:04,676 --> 00:39:06,426 Quite unfortunate. 596 00:39:09,806 --> 00:39:12,056 That does it! 597 00:39:16,438 --> 00:39:17,808 Canada! 598 00:39:19,107 --> 00:39:20,227 That's not good. 599 00:39:20,275 --> 00:39:21,365 Wade, please. 600 00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:22,401 Cock shot! 601 00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:26,027 Your poor wife. 602 00:39:26,072 --> 00:39:27,872 You really should stop. 603 00:39:31,453 --> 00:39:33,833 All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex. 604 00:39:38,502 --> 00:39:40,712 I promise this gets worse for you, big boy! 605 00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:41,924 This is embarrassing. 606 00:39:42,672 --> 00:39:44,472 Please, stay down. 607 00:39:45,592 --> 00:39:48,012 You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest? 608 00:39:48,053 --> 00:39:49,513 Do you have off switch? 609 00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:52,354 Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch? 610 00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:53,270 Enough! 611 00:40:03,026 --> 00:40:04,896 Let us go talk to the Professor. 612 00:40:05,403 --> 00:40:07,203 McAvoy or Stewart? 613 00:40:07,239 --> 00:40:09,449 These timelines are so confusing. 614 00:40:10,784 --> 00:40:13,454 "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!" 615 00:40:13,495 --> 00:40:15,045 You will recover, Wade. 616 00:40:15,330 --> 00:40:16,960 You always do. 617 00:40:21,461 --> 00:40:24,881 You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. 618 00:40:28,635 --> 00:40:29,805 Oh, my God. 619 00:40:29,845 --> 00:40:30,895 Nasty. 620 00:40:34,015 --> 00:40:36,095 There's the money shot, baby. 621 00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,520 Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. 622 00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:51,867 Rock, meet bottom. 623 00:40:52,367 --> 00:40:55,367 And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked... 624 00:40:55,620 --> 00:40:59,870 you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. 625 00:40:59,916 --> 00:41:03,166 The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh. 626 00:41:03,211 --> 00:41:06,261 This? Well, this was mine. 627 00:41:06,798 --> 00:41:08,258 Mr. Wilson. 628 00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:14,184 Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. 629 00:41:14,222 --> 00:41:15,932 You finally hit "fuck it." 630 00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:19,100 Just promise you'll do right by me. 631 00:41:19,769 --> 00:41:21,769 So I can do right by someone else. 632 00:41:21,813 --> 00:41:22,983 Of course. 633 00:41:23,732 --> 00:41:25,482 And please don't make the super-suit green. 634 00:41:26,776 --> 00:41:28,276 Or animated. 635 00:41:34,784 --> 00:41:37,834 Move it! Keep moving. 636 00:41:48,465 --> 00:41:50,595 This place seems sanitary. 637 00:41:51,343 --> 00:41:53,593 My first request is warmer hands. 638 00:41:54,137 --> 00:41:57,427 And, Jesus, a warmer table. 639 00:41:58,975 --> 00:42:00,845 We should really come up with a safe word, fellas. 640 00:42:01,186 --> 00:42:03,016 I'm thinking "pork and beans." 641 00:42:07,317 --> 00:42:08,527 Easy. 642 00:42:10,529 --> 00:42:12,819 Aren't you a little strong for a lady? 643 00:42:13,615 --> 00:42:14,995 I'm calling wang. 644 00:42:18,870 --> 00:42:20,120 What's up with the matches? 645 00:42:20,372 --> 00:42:23,122 Oral fixation or just a big Stallone fan? 646 00:42:24,668 --> 00:42:25,958 Patience, Angel. 647 00:42:26,878 --> 00:42:28,628 All in good time. 648 00:42:28,672 --> 00:42:30,592 Are you here for the turndown service, or what? 649 00:42:32,175 --> 00:42:33,425 We have another talker. 650 00:42:33,468 --> 00:42:35,298 I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp. 651 00:42:35,345 --> 00:42:37,505 Shut the fuck up. 652 00:42:40,851 --> 00:42:42,811 Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax. 653 00:42:43,770 --> 00:42:45,860 I manage this workshop. 654 00:42:46,940 --> 00:42:50,230 My welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like... 655 00:42:50,277 --> 00:42:53,907 "This may hurt a little." "This may cause you some discomfort." 656 00:42:53,947 --> 00:42:56,237 But I've grown blunt. 657 00:42:56,283 --> 00:42:58,913 This workshop is not a government-led program. 658 00:42:58,952 --> 00:43:02,622 It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself... 659 00:43:02,664 --> 00:43:06,004 into men of extraordinary abilities. 660 00:43:07,627 --> 00:43:10,877 But if you think superhuman powers are acquired painlessly... 661 00:43:11,798 --> 00:43:12,628 Wrong. 662 00:43:13,300 --> 00:43:17,390 I'm injecting you with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. 663 00:43:17,637 --> 00:43:21,557 For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress. 664 00:43:27,022 --> 00:43:30,322 You've heard that whole "make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, right? 665 00:43:31,067 --> 00:43:32,487 I'm about to hurt you, Wade. 666 00:43:33,653 --> 00:43:36,203 I was a patient here once myself, you know. 667 00:43:36,740 --> 00:43:39,240 The treatment affects everyone differently. 668 00:43:39,576 --> 00:43:42,406 It made Angel inhumanly strong. 669 00:43:42,746 --> 00:43:46,746 In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. 670 00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:50,210 Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. 671 00:43:51,922 --> 00:43:55,762 And, in fact, I no longer feel anything. 672 00:44:04,267 --> 00:44:07,057 Thanks! Thank you. Thank you. 673 00:44:07,354 --> 00:44:09,114 You have something in your teeth. 674 00:44:10,023 --> 00:44:12,233 Right in the middle there. Just, I don't... 675 00:44:12,275 --> 00:44:15,185 A little nugget of romaine lettuce or something. 676 00:44:17,197 --> 00:44:19,617 It's been bothering me for a long time. 677 00:44:21,076 --> 00:44:22,116 Made you look. 678 00:44:22,410 --> 00:44:25,870 Is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. 679 00:44:25,914 --> 00:44:27,044 What is it really? 680 00:44:27,082 --> 00:44:29,502 Kevin? Bruce? Scott? 681 00:44:29,543 --> 00:44:31,133 Mitch? The Rickster? 682 00:44:31,795 --> 00:44:33,305 Is it Basil Fawlty? 683 00:44:33,630 --> 00:44:35,130 Joke away. 684 00:44:35,590 --> 00:44:38,470 One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor. 685 00:44:38,969 --> 00:44:40,259 We'll see about that. 686 00:44:40,303 --> 00:44:41,643 I suppose we will. 687 00:44:42,973 --> 00:44:44,563 He's all yours. 688 00:44:44,599 --> 00:44:45,809 Come on. 689 00:44:46,309 --> 00:44:49,439 You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell? 690 00:44:53,817 --> 00:44:55,897 This is how it's going to work. 691 00:44:55,944 --> 00:44:58,954 Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum... 692 00:44:59,573 --> 00:45:02,083 so we're going to have to make you suffer. 693 00:45:03,827 --> 00:45:08,657 If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate and manifest in a spectacular fashion. 694 00:45:12,961 --> 00:45:15,801 If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you... 695 00:45:17,632 --> 00:45:20,342 in new and different ways, each more painful than the last... 696 00:45:23,013 --> 00:45:25,353 until you finally mutate. 697 00:45:26,975 --> 00:45:28,185 Or die. 698 00:45:35,025 --> 00:45:36,655 You mean like a bucket list? 699 00:45:36,693 --> 00:45:38,993 Like a fuck-it list. 700 00:45:39,029 --> 00:45:41,699 I'd really like to light a spliff off the Olympic torch. 701 00:45:42,282 --> 00:45:44,162 Pass it to me right after. 702 00:45:44,201 --> 00:45:50,161 Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs. 703 00:45:51,208 --> 00:45:54,338 Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity. 704 00:45:54,836 --> 00:45:57,706 Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven. 705 00:45:58,006 --> 00:46:01,126 No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter-Birney. 706 00:46:05,805 --> 00:46:09,225 Making banana pancakes for my kids. 707 00:46:12,646 --> 00:46:14,686 Vanessa. 708 00:46:18,193 --> 00:46:20,573 I wanna see Vanessa. 709 00:46:20,612 --> 00:46:22,032 You're lovely. 710 00:46:22,072 --> 00:46:25,492 I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched. 711 00:46:25,534 --> 00:46:26,664 We were just joking. 712 00:46:26,701 --> 00:46:29,001 No, no. It's okay. 713 00:46:30,080 --> 00:46:31,750 I encourage distractions. 714 00:46:32,499 --> 00:46:34,879 Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we? 715 00:46:34,918 --> 00:46:36,748 Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. 716 00:46:37,712 --> 00:46:40,092 How tough can he be... 717 00:46:40,131 --> 00:46:43,051 with a name like Francis? 718 00:46:43,635 --> 00:46:44,765 Francis? 719 00:46:45,053 --> 00:46:46,473 That's his legal name. 720 00:46:47,097 --> 00:46:50,557 He got "Ajax" from the dish soap. 721 00:46:52,602 --> 00:46:56,192 F-R-A-N-C-I... 722 00:46:56,690 --> 00:46:58,020 Oops! 723 00:46:59,818 --> 00:47:02,698 Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat. 724 00:47:04,614 --> 00:47:07,034 FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount. 725 00:47:07,075 --> 00:47:08,485 You are so relentlessly annoying. 726 00:47:08,535 --> 00:47:09,585 Thanks. 727 00:47:09,619 --> 00:47:10,869 Never heard that before. 728 00:47:10,912 --> 00:47:14,172 Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up? 729 00:47:14,207 --> 00:47:16,207 Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut. 730 00:47:18,003 --> 00:47:19,753 I wouldn't do that if I were you. 731 00:47:19,796 --> 00:47:23,046 See, here's the problem with round-the-clock torture... 732 00:47:23,091 --> 00:47:26,051 is that you can't really step it up from there. 733 00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:31,020 Is that what you think? 734 00:47:36,313 --> 00:47:38,823 If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well... 735 00:47:39,649 --> 00:47:40,939 nothing will. 736 00:47:41,359 --> 00:47:44,359 Now, what we're going to do is lower the oxygen concentration in the air... 737 00:47:44,404 --> 00:47:47,034 to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. 738 00:47:47,324 --> 00:47:50,494 If your brainwaves slow, meaning you're about to pass out... 739 00:47:51,161 --> 00:47:52,291 then we'll turn up the O2. 740 00:47:53,330 --> 00:47:54,750 If your heart rate slows... 741 00:47:54,789 --> 00:47:57,499 meaning you're able to catch your breath... 742 00:47:57,542 --> 00:47:58,922 we'll turn it back down. 743 00:47:59,544 --> 00:48:03,214 And that's where we'll leave you. Right there. 744 00:48:03,590 --> 00:48:05,880 And I thought you guys were dicks before. 745 00:48:05,926 --> 00:48:08,336 You know the funniest part of this? 746 00:48:09,095 --> 00:48:11,465 You still think we're making you a superhero. 747 00:48:12,307 --> 00:48:15,767 You. A dishonorable discharge. 748 00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:18,560 Hip-deep in hookers. 749 00:48:19,272 --> 00:48:20,902 You're nothing. 750 00:48:21,858 --> 00:48:23,318 Little secret, Wade. 751 00:48:24,152 --> 00:48:28,242 This workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super-slaves. 752 00:48:29,324 --> 00:48:33,084 We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. 753 00:48:33,870 --> 00:48:35,250 Who knows what they'll have you doing? 754 00:48:36,081 --> 00:48:39,541 Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. 755 00:48:41,711 --> 00:48:44,551 Maybe just mow the occasional lawn. 756 00:48:45,048 --> 00:48:47,508 What the fuck is wrong with you? 757 00:48:52,764 --> 00:48:55,604 You're never going home after this. 758 00:48:55,642 --> 00:48:57,852 Now there's a brave face. 759 00:48:58,895 --> 00:49:00,435 Wait, wait! Wait. Wait. 760 00:49:02,774 --> 00:49:06,694 Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now. 761 00:49:08,613 --> 00:49:09,993 Enjoy your weekend. 762 00:49:10,365 --> 00:49:12,075 "Weekend"? Back up. 763 00:49:12,117 --> 00:49:13,327 Weekend? 764 00:49:55,035 --> 00:49:57,125 Did I say this was a love story? 765 00:49:57,162 --> 00:49:59,622 No, it's a horror movie. 766 00:50:16,097 --> 00:50:18,267 Fucking hell. 767 00:50:18,308 --> 00:50:21,558 Looks like someone lost his shot at Homecoming King. 768 00:50:21,603 --> 00:50:23,693 What have you done to me? 769 00:50:23,730 --> 00:50:27,110 I've merely raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation. 770 00:50:27,150 --> 00:50:29,280 You sadistic fuck! 771 00:50:29,986 --> 00:50:31,486 I've cured you, Wade. 772 00:50:32,322 --> 00:50:33,952 Now your mutated cells can heal anything. 773 00:50:35,075 --> 00:50:37,835 It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form. 774 00:50:39,079 --> 00:50:41,659 Yeah, I've seen similar side effects before. 775 00:50:42,958 --> 00:50:43,998 I could cure them... 776 00:50:47,587 --> 00:50:49,257 but where's the fun in that? 777 00:50:51,591 --> 00:50:54,141 Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade. 778 00:50:55,929 --> 00:50:57,889 Not because I need to. 779 00:51:01,852 --> 00:51:03,562 Because I want to. 780 00:51:18,034 --> 00:51:19,244 Oh, well. 781 00:51:19,286 --> 00:51:20,496 Go ahead. 782 00:51:23,707 --> 00:51:25,537 You smell like shit. 783 00:51:28,837 --> 00:51:29,877 Motherfucker. 784 00:51:30,797 --> 00:51:32,717 It's all right, it's all right. 785 00:51:33,800 --> 00:51:35,550 I think we owe him that one, yeah? 786 00:51:35,802 --> 00:51:38,182 You take off. Go on. 787 00:51:38,972 --> 00:51:40,312 Off you go. 788 00:51:51,318 --> 00:51:52,898 Quick question. 789 00:51:55,197 --> 00:51:57,237 What's my name? 790 00:52:02,996 --> 00:52:04,326 Didn't think so. 791 00:52:06,208 --> 00:52:08,918 Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed. 792 00:54:05,368 --> 00:54:06,828 You don't want to kill me. 793 00:54:06,870 --> 00:54:09,120 I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug. 794 00:55:05,846 --> 00:55:07,426 What's my name? 795 00:55:13,603 --> 00:55:14,773 Wade. 796 00:56:22,130 --> 00:56:25,170 I didn't just get the cure to el cáncer... 797 00:56:26,676 --> 00:56:29,346 I got the cure to el everything. 798 00:56:33,016 --> 00:56:35,266 But there was only one thing... 799 00:56:35,310 --> 00:56:36,940 that really mattered. 800 00:57:06,383 --> 00:57:07,433 Come on, let's go. 801 00:57:12,764 --> 00:57:15,524 Oh, that must hurt. 802 00:57:16,518 --> 00:57:17,978 Thank you so much. 803 00:57:29,906 --> 00:57:32,156 God, he's so fucking gnarly. 804 00:57:32,200 --> 00:57:33,620 Look at his face. 805 00:57:33,660 --> 00:57:36,040 Oh, my God. Poor guy. 806 00:57:36,079 --> 00:57:37,209 Honey, don't stare. 807 00:57:37,247 --> 00:57:38,407 Freak. 808 00:57:58,768 --> 00:58:02,108 No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine. 809 00:58:02,397 --> 00:58:04,937 Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad. 810 00:58:04,983 --> 00:58:06,323 Bullshit! 811 00:58:06,359 --> 00:58:09,609 I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus. 812 00:58:09,654 --> 00:58:12,204 Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't care what you... 813 00:58:13,992 --> 00:58:14,952 Do you like what you see? 814 00:58:15,202 --> 00:58:16,372 No. 815 00:58:16,870 --> 00:58:20,830 You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado. 816 00:58:21,249 --> 00:58:22,039 Yeah. 817 00:58:22,083 --> 00:58:24,173 Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. 818 00:58:24,211 --> 00:58:26,131 There was something wrong with the relationship... 819 00:58:26,171 --> 00:58:29,801 and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence. 820 00:58:29,841 --> 00:58:32,431 And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug... 821 00:58:32,469 --> 00:58:35,179 is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. 822 00:58:35,222 --> 00:58:37,142 And he's gone. Poof! 823 00:58:37,182 --> 00:58:38,892 Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this... 824 00:58:38,934 --> 00:58:41,984 because as of now, you only have one course of action. 825 00:58:42,020 --> 00:58:43,270 Damn straight. 826 00:58:43,313 --> 00:58:45,193 -Find Francis. -Star in horror films. 827 00:58:45,232 --> 00:58:46,192 What? 828 00:58:46,233 --> 00:58:48,443 Star in your own horror films. 829 00:58:48,485 --> 00:58:52,325 Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah. 830 00:58:53,156 --> 00:58:54,906 Here's what I'm actually gonna do. 831 00:58:54,950 --> 00:58:57,620 I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis... 832 00:58:57,661 --> 00:59:00,041 force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull... 833 00:59:00,080 --> 00:59:01,750 and fuck the brain hole. 834 00:59:01,790 --> 00:59:04,920 I don't wanna see that or think of it again. 835 00:59:04,960 --> 00:59:07,170 But the douchebag does think you're dead, right? 836 00:59:07,212 --> 00:59:07,922 Yeah. 837 00:59:07,963 --> 00:59:09,843 That's good. You should keep it that way. 838 00:59:09,881 --> 00:59:11,551 What, like, wear a mask? 839 00:59:11,591 --> 00:59:14,551 Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. 840 00:59:15,303 --> 00:59:16,303 I am sorry... 841 00:59:16,346 --> 00:59:18,966 you are haunting. 842 00:59:19,015 --> 00:59:20,925 Your face is the stuff of nightmares. 843 00:59:20,976 --> 00:59:22,346 Like a testicle with teeth. 844 00:59:22,394 --> 00:59:24,154 You will die alone. 845 00:59:24,187 --> 00:59:25,807 I mean, if you could die. 846 00:59:26,439 --> 00:59:28,399 Ideally, for others' sake. 847 00:59:28,441 --> 00:59:29,691 That'll do. 848 00:59:29,985 --> 00:59:31,785 All you need now is a suit and a nickname... 849 00:59:31,820 --> 00:59:33,700 like Wade the Wisecracker... 850 00:59:34,114 --> 00:59:37,244 or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie. 851 00:59:38,118 --> 00:59:39,118 Shit. 852 00:59:39,703 --> 00:59:40,793 What? 853 00:59:41,621 --> 00:59:43,621 I put all my money on you and now... 854 00:59:43,665 --> 00:59:45,255 I just realized I'm never gonna win the... 855 00:59:45,292 --> 00:59:46,172 Dead pool. 856 00:59:50,172 --> 00:59:52,472 Captain Deadpool. 857 00:59:54,342 --> 00:59:55,472 No, just... 858 00:59:55,510 --> 00:59:57,260 -Just Deadpool, yeah. -Just Deadpool. 859 00:59:57,304 --> 00:59:59,264 To you, Mr. Pool. 860 00:59:59,556 --> 01:00:02,056 Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise. 861 01:00:16,656 --> 01:00:18,736 This shit's gonna have nuts in it. 862 01:00:19,826 --> 01:00:20,826 Where's Francis? 863 01:00:35,091 --> 01:00:36,761 Where's Francis? 864 01:00:44,935 --> 01:00:46,855 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 865 01:00:48,188 --> 01:00:51,108 Or wear red. Dumbass. 866 01:01:09,835 --> 01:01:11,295 Don't make me ask twice. 867 01:01:12,671 --> 01:01:14,051 Where... 868 01:01:14,089 --> 01:01:16,219 is Francis? 869 01:01:16,800 --> 01:01:18,510 He made me ask twice. 870 01:01:18,552 --> 01:01:20,552 Is the mask muffling my voice? 871 01:01:25,350 --> 01:01:26,810 Where's Francis? 872 01:01:29,437 --> 01:01:31,267 Where the fuck is Francis? 873 01:01:39,948 --> 01:01:43,328 You're about to be killed by a Zamboni. 874 01:01:43,368 --> 01:01:44,578 Where's Francis? 875 01:01:45,996 --> 01:01:47,116 No! Please! 876 01:01:47,747 --> 01:01:51,207 Oh, God! I'm so sorry! 877 01:01:51,751 --> 01:01:54,381 You little spider monkey! 878 01:01:57,465 --> 01:02:00,925 Where... is... Francis? 879 01:02:02,095 --> 01:02:03,345 This is confusing. 880 01:02:03,388 --> 01:02:06,348 Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? 881 01:02:06,391 --> 01:02:08,691 I mean, the line gets real... blurry. 882 01:02:09,060 --> 01:02:10,980 WHERE IS FRANCIS? 883 01:02:12,564 --> 01:02:15,824 Tell me where your fucking boss is or you're gonna die! 884 01:02:16,443 --> 01:02:18,073 In five minutes! 885 01:02:28,205 --> 01:02:29,965 Don't hesitate to call me. 886 01:02:45,597 --> 01:02:47,767 Nice to see you, Jared. 887 01:02:48,934 --> 01:02:50,394 I'll take the footlong... 888 01:02:50,894 --> 01:02:51,734 fully loaded. 889 01:03:07,327 --> 01:03:08,947 41 confirmed kills. 890 01:03:08,995 --> 01:03:11,405 Now it's 89. About to be 90. 891 01:03:12,165 --> 01:03:13,455 Mr. Wilson? 892 01:03:15,252 --> 01:03:17,422 You're looking very alive. 893 01:03:18,255 --> 01:03:19,305 Only on the outside. 894 01:03:19,965 --> 01:03:22,885 -This is not going to end well for me, is it? -This is not gonna end well for you, no. 895 01:03:22,926 --> 01:03:24,086 Where's your boss? 896 01:03:24,135 --> 01:03:25,755 I can tell you exactly... 897 01:03:27,472 --> 01:03:29,352 Oh, you'll tell me, but first... 898 01:03:29,933 --> 01:03:32,233 You might wanna look away for this. 899 01:03:32,269 --> 01:03:33,519 Now this little piggy went to... 900 01:03:35,647 --> 01:03:37,937 Thank you, Agent Smith. 901 01:03:41,528 --> 01:03:42,278 Taxi! 902 01:03:44,030 --> 01:03:46,280 Hop in! Great day for a ride. 903 01:03:48,285 --> 01:03:49,665 And we all know how this turned out. 904 01:03:52,622 --> 01:03:54,832 Whoops! You weren't meant to see that. 905 01:04:02,799 --> 01:04:04,629 There. All caught up. 906 01:04:12,559 --> 01:04:14,479 We're here. 907 01:04:15,395 --> 01:04:18,475 Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage. 908 01:04:24,738 --> 01:04:26,818 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 909 01:04:28,992 --> 01:04:31,542 Some kinds of anger can't be managed... 910 01:04:31,578 --> 01:04:36,668 like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! 911 01:04:37,334 --> 01:04:41,844 That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home. 912 01:04:42,672 --> 01:04:46,932 And I share that home with someone you've met, the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al. 913 01:04:47,344 --> 01:04:48,894 God, I miss cocaine. 914 01:04:49,513 --> 01:04:50,223 Her. 915 01:04:51,348 --> 01:04:53,928 Fourth-wall break inside a fourth-wall break. 916 01:04:54,184 --> 01:04:56,734 That's like 16 walls. 917 01:04:57,270 --> 01:05:02,690 She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old, and black, and blind. 918 01:05:02,734 --> 01:05:04,404 And I think she's in love with me. 919 01:05:04,861 --> 01:05:08,241 Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. 920 01:05:18,250 --> 01:05:19,250 Al? 921 01:05:21,670 --> 01:05:22,920 Morning, sleepyhead. 922 01:05:24,548 --> 01:05:26,718 It smells like old lady pants in here. 923 01:05:26,758 --> 01:05:28,718 Yes, I'm old. I wear pants. 924 01:05:28,760 --> 01:05:30,350 But you're no lady. 925 01:05:31,513 --> 01:05:33,183 So comfy. 926 01:05:33,932 --> 01:05:36,982 Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs. 927 01:05:37,018 --> 01:05:38,518 You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes? 928 01:05:38,562 --> 01:05:39,522 Yes, I know. 929 01:05:40,063 --> 01:05:42,733 Downside of being blind... 930 01:05:42,774 --> 01:05:44,944 I hear everything in this duplex. 931 01:05:47,279 --> 01:05:48,529 Sit on a stick. 932 01:05:48,572 --> 01:05:49,572 Bactin? 933 01:05:49,614 --> 01:05:53,704 Yeah. Bactin should do it. 934 01:05:54,911 --> 01:05:58,751 How's that Kullen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know. 935 01:05:58,790 --> 01:06:01,750 You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. 936 01:06:01,793 --> 01:06:03,673 It's an improvement on the Hurdal. 937 01:06:04,337 --> 01:06:06,957 Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. 938 01:06:07,007 --> 01:06:10,507 I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal. 939 01:06:11,636 --> 01:06:13,926 No, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen. 940 01:06:14,264 --> 01:06:15,144 Screw, please. 941 01:06:15,182 --> 01:06:16,562 Here? Now? Just kidding. 942 01:06:16,600 --> 01:06:17,810 I know it's been decades. 943 01:06:17,851 --> 01:06:18,981 You'd be surprised. 944 01:06:19,686 --> 01:06:20,766 Pretty grossed out. 945 01:06:22,772 --> 01:06:25,192 Ta... Da. 946 01:06:30,989 --> 01:06:34,119 I wish I never heard of Craigslist. 947 01:06:34,534 --> 01:06:37,164 And I quote, "Looking for roommate, blind to life's imperfections. 948 01:06:37,204 --> 01:06:38,334 "Must be good with hands." 949 01:06:38,371 --> 01:06:40,621 Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent? 950 01:06:40,665 --> 01:06:42,535 Why such a douche this morning? 951 01:06:43,293 --> 01:06:44,423 Let's recap. 952 01:06:44,461 --> 01:06:46,801 The cock thistle that turned me into this freak... 953 01:06:46,838 --> 01:06:48,458 slipped through my arms today... 954 01:06:50,133 --> 01:06:51,343 Arm. 955 01:06:51,801 --> 01:06:54,931 Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back... 956 01:06:54,971 --> 01:06:57,271 and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. 957 01:06:57,307 --> 01:07:01,057 So, yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. 958 01:07:02,979 --> 01:07:04,519 #driveby. 959 01:07:21,998 --> 01:07:23,998 Found out who our friend in the red suit is. 960 01:07:26,336 --> 01:07:28,206 Fucking Wade Wilson. 961 01:07:29,172 --> 01:07:31,512 Suppose I'd wear a mask, too if I had a face like that. 962 01:07:32,175 --> 01:07:33,715 I only wish I healed the same. 963 01:07:37,681 --> 01:07:40,481 Still, we'll put him out of our misery. 964 01:07:40,517 --> 01:07:41,767 On our terms. 965 01:07:42,185 --> 01:07:43,935 Right. And when he heals? 966 01:07:44,938 --> 01:07:46,058 He can't. 967 01:07:46,106 --> 01:07:48,686 Not if there's nothing left of him to heal. 968 01:07:48,733 --> 01:07:52,703 You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker. 969 01:07:54,114 --> 01:07:55,534 I like a challenge. 970 01:07:56,867 --> 01:07:59,037 But he's bad for business. 971 01:07:59,077 --> 01:08:00,787 Now let's go find him. 972 01:08:05,250 --> 01:08:06,670 Tylenol PM? 973 01:08:06,710 --> 01:08:09,210 You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin. 974 01:08:09,629 --> 01:08:12,049 I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet... 975 01:08:12,090 --> 01:08:16,050 and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now. 976 01:08:18,889 --> 01:08:20,969 But I appreciate the gesture. 977 01:08:21,892 --> 01:08:26,352 Am I crazy, or is your hand really small? 978 01:08:26,396 --> 01:08:28,146 About the size of a KFC spork. 979 01:08:30,317 --> 01:08:32,527 I get why you're so pissy... 980 01:08:32,569 --> 01:08:35,569 but your mood's never gonna brighten till you find this woman... 981 01:08:35,614 --> 01:08:37,034 and tell her how you feel. 982 01:08:37,073 --> 01:08:40,453 What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. 983 01:08:40,493 --> 01:08:42,203 If you could see me, you'd understand. 984 01:08:42,245 --> 01:08:43,365 Looks aren't everything. 985 01:08:43,413 --> 01:08:44,543 Looks are everything. 986 01:08:44,581 --> 01:08:46,711 You ever heard David Beckham speak? 987 01:08:46,750 --> 01:08:48,750 It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. 988 01:08:49,169 --> 01:08:52,419 Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method? 989 01:08:52,464 --> 01:08:53,884 Love is blind, Wade. 990 01:08:53,924 --> 01:08:54,594 No. 991 01:08:55,926 --> 01:08:57,176 You're blind. 992 01:08:57,844 --> 01:09:00,764 So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper? 993 01:09:00,805 --> 01:09:02,885 No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty... 994 01:09:02,933 --> 01:09:04,933 and then I'm gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan. 995 01:09:05,852 --> 01:09:08,522 In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. 996 01:09:09,189 --> 01:09:11,609 I bet it feels huge in this hand. 997 01:09:12,943 --> 01:09:15,653 Go, go, go. 998 01:09:16,196 --> 01:09:19,156 So, the doctor says, "The bad news is you don't have that long to live." 999 01:09:19,199 --> 01:09:20,779 So, the patient says, "How long do I have?" 1000 01:09:20,825 --> 01:09:22,735 The doctor says, "Five." 1001 01:09:22,786 --> 01:09:24,406 The guy says, "Five what?" 1002 01:09:24,454 --> 01:09:28,334 The doctor says, "Four, three, two..." 1003 01:09:35,507 --> 01:09:37,047 Can I help you ladies? 1004 01:09:39,636 --> 01:09:40,796 I do hope so. 1005 01:09:45,016 --> 01:09:49,146 I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a friend of mine. 1006 01:09:49,688 --> 01:09:50,688 Name of Wade Wilson. 1007 01:09:52,232 --> 01:09:53,362 Sorry. 1008 01:09:53,400 --> 01:09:54,980 I don't know the name. 1009 01:10:02,325 --> 01:10:04,655 Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar. 1010 01:10:08,373 --> 01:10:10,293 I've seen this girl. 1011 01:10:10,333 --> 01:10:12,843 This must be Vanessa. I've heard so much about you. 1012 01:10:17,591 --> 01:10:19,341 Sweetheart, you might wanna look around. 1013 01:10:19,926 --> 01:10:22,506 This isn't really the place to do something like that. 1014 01:10:23,930 --> 01:10:25,680 Easy, Angel. 1015 01:10:25,724 --> 01:10:27,104 Put the little man down. 1016 01:10:28,685 --> 01:10:30,435 We have everything we need now. 1017 01:10:30,854 --> 01:10:31,904 You sure? 1018 01:10:32,606 --> 01:10:35,686 You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? 1019 01:10:35,734 --> 01:10:38,404 Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II. 1020 01:10:42,073 --> 01:10:43,783 Thanks for having my back, guys. 1021 01:10:48,788 --> 01:10:53,078 Wade, we have a fucking problem. And by "we," I mean "you." 1022 01:10:53,960 --> 01:10:55,630 I can't believe I'm doing this. 1023 01:10:56,129 --> 01:10:59,009 Is there a word for half afraid, half angry? 1024 01:10:59,049 --> 01:11:01,179 Yeah, "afrangry," I guess. 1025 01:11:01,218 --> 01:11:03,008 Have you decided what you're gonna say to her? 1026 01:11:03,053 --> 01:11:04,053 Fuck me! 1027 01:11:04,387 --> 01:11:06,307 Maybe not start with that. 1028 01:11:12,229 --> 01:11:15,519 Hey, coming onto our stage right now... 1029 01:11:15,565 --> 01:11:17,725 give it up for Chastity! 1030 01:11:21,571 --> 01:11:23,911 Or as I like to call her, Irony. 1031 01:11:23,949 --> 01:11:26,079 Better find her fast before numbnuts does. 1032 01:11:26,117 --> 01:11:27,617 How do you know she's in here? 1033 01:11:27,661 --> 01:11:30,791 Because I'm constantly stalking that fox. 1034 01:11:55,772 --> 01:11:59,282 Every time I see her, it's like the first time... 1035 01:12:00,110 --> 01:12:02,280 Especially from this angle. 1036 01:12:25,802 --> 01:12:29,812 You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes. 1037 01:12:32,851 --> 01:12:35,521 You weak motherfucker! 1038 01:12:36,313 --> 01:12:37,313 Come on! 1039 01:12:38,523 --> 01:12:41,823 Come on, get it together. This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa. 1040 01:12:45,989 --> 01:12:47,319 Here we go. 1041 01:12:49,910 --> 01:12:51,490 Maximum effort. 1042 01:12:55,040 --> 01:12:56,170 Vanessa. 1043 01:12:58,668 --> 01:13:02,838 Someone out back asking for you. Something about an old boyfriend. 1044 01:13:30,200 --> 01:13:31,280 I knew it was you. 1045 01:13:33,119 --> 01:13:35,039 The weird, curvy edges. 1046 01:13:36,623 --> 01:13:38,463 Like a jigsaw puzzle. 1047 01:13:48,552 --> 01:13:50,392 You have Wade Wilson to thank for this. 1048 01:13:59,396 --> 01:14:00,936 Hey. Hey! Where'd she go? 1049 01:14:01,898 --> 01:14:04,438 I saw her head to the back. Go get her, tiger. 1050 01:14:32,470 --> 01:14:34,220 Motherfucker! 1051 01:14:34,264 --> 01:14:36,604 -Wait, wait. Let's... Just... -Cock juggling... 1052 01:14:36,641 --> 01:14:38,561 -We can talk about what we're gonna... -Jiminy! Fuck face! 1053 01:14:38,602 --> 01:14:39,892 Okay, or you can hit that. 1054 01:14:39,936 --> 01:14:41,766 -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Fuck! Fuck! 1055 01:14:41,813 --> 01:14:44,483 -No, no. All right. Hey! -Fuck! Fuck! 1056 01:14:44,941 --> 01:14:45,981 -Fuck! -Hey. 1057 01:14:47,027 --> 01:14:49,107 Relax. Relax. Okay. 1058 01:14:49,154 --> 01:14:50,494 Okay. I think that’s a good start. 1059 01:14:50,530 --> 01:14:52,620 I'm gonna rip his motherfucking... 1060 01:14:52,657 --> 01:14:53,657 Wait. 1061 01:14:53,700 --> 01:14:55,200 -Find it! Find it. -What? 1062 01:14:55,243 --> 01:14:56,663 -I'm gonna get angry. -Okay. All right. 1063 01:14:57,078 --> 01:14:58,868 All right. Okay. All right. 1064 01:14:58,914 --> 01:15:00,254 Here. This is Vanessa. 1065 01:15:00,290 --> 01:15:02,330 -What? -No, wait. It's Francis. 1066 01:15:02,375 --> 01:15:03,995 He wants you to come to him. 1067 01:15:04,294 --> 01:15:06,464 -What is that? -That's the shit emoji. 1068 01:15:06,838 --> 01:15:08,968 You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes? 1069 01:15:09,007 --> 01:15:11,337 I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long. 1070 01:15:12,052 --> 01:15:13,262 I need guns. 1071 01:15:13,303 --> 01:15:14,473 Okay, which ones? 1072 01:15:14,513 --> 01:15:15,643 I need all the guns! 1073 01:15:15,680 --> 01:15:16,890 All right. Okay. 1074 01:15:37,577 --> 01:15:39,037 That's about 3,000 rounds. 1075 01:15:39,996 --> 01:15:42,036 We all know what I can do with 12. 1076 01:15:42,457 --> 01:15:44,667 Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap! 1077 01:15:44,709 --> 01:15:45,789 We're downrange. 1078 01:15:47,254 --> 01:15:50,804 I was gonna spend the night assembling the Börje, but this is holding my interest. 1079 01:15:51,967 --> 01:15:54,797 I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Börje. 1080 01:15:54,845 --> 01:15:56,855 Get it through your head or get out of fuck town. 1081 01:15:56,888 --> 01:15:59,678 Shit. That's all the pieces in the house. 1082 01:15:59,724 --> 01:16:01,484 Nah. Come on. Let's go. Cough it up. 1083 01:16:01,852 --> 01:16:03,352 Up, up, up. 1084 01:16:04,771 --> 01:16:05,901 Down, down, down. 1085 01:16:05,939 --> 01:16:06,649 Fuck you. 1086 01:16:08,775 --> 01:16:11,485 .45 cal. I like it. 1087 01:16:13,655 --> 01:16:14,915 Wade... 1088 01:16:16,116 --> 01:16:18,826 I'd go with you, but I don't want to. 1089 01:16:23,373 --> 01:16:24,543 Listen, Al... 1090 01:16:25,625 --> 01:16:30,795 if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. 1091 01:16:31,715 --> 01:16:36,845 And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in the apartment... 1092 01:16:36,887 --> 01:16:39,677 right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck. 1093 01:16:45,187 --> 01:16:46,477 You wanna get fucked up? 1094 01:16:56,573 --> 01:16:58,073 Put her down over here. 1095 01:17:08,293 --> 01:17:09,503 Go on then. 1096 01:17:11,922 --> 01:17:14,512 Thanks, dickless. And I mean you. 1097 01:17:14,966 --> 01:17:18,296 Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade. 1098 01:17:18,345 --> 01:17:21,605 I've been trying to tell you assholes, you've got the wrong girl. 1099 01:17:21,640 --> 01:17:23,180 My old boyfriend, he's dead. 1100 01:17:23,225 --> 01:17:26,895 See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back. 1101 01:17:26,937 --> 01:17:28,267 Like a cockroach... 1102 01:17:28,313 --> 01:17:29,613 but uglier. 1103 01:17:30,649 --> 01:17:34,109 Now, I may not feel, but he does. 1104 01:17:35,195 --> 01:17:37,075 Let's see how he fights with your head on the block. 1105 01:17:45,997 --> 01:17:47,497 Ripley, from Alien 3! 1106 01:17:48,124 --> 01:17:49,964 Fuck, you're old. 1107 01:17:51,628 --> 01:17:54,088 Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. 1108 01:17:54,130 --> 01:17:55,510 Go get Silver Balls. 1109 01:17:55,549 --> 01:17:57,799 You guys going for a bite? Early bird special? 1110 01:17:57,843 --> 01:18:00,353 Like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. 1111 01:18:00,804 --> 01:18:04,144 No, you know that bad guy that you let go? 1112 01:18:04,724 --> 01:18:06,644 He's got my girl. 1113 01:18:06,685 --> 01:18:08,065 You're gonna help me get her back. 1114 01:18:08,478 --> 01:18:10,308 Wade? Is that you? 1115 01:18:10,355 --> 01:18:14,775 Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. 1116 01:18:17,487 --> 01:18:18,647 I'm gonna wait out here, okay? 1117 01:18:18,697 --> 01:18:20,777 It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. 1118 01:18:20,824 --> 01:18:24,124 It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man. 1119 01:18:27,664 --> 01:18:29,124 And that is why, in my opinion... 1120 01:18:29,165 --> 01:18:32,375 the movie Cocoon is pure pornography. 1121 01:18:32,878 --> 01:18:34,668 Who brought this twinkly man? 1122 01:18:34,713 --> 01:18:36,803 Twinkly, but deadly. 1123 01:18:36,840 --> 01:18:40,890 My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. 1124 01:18:41,469 --> 01:18:45,469 In exchange, I said that I would consider joining his boy band. 1125 01:18:45,515 --> 01:18:46,805 It's not boy band. 1126 01:18:46,850 --> 01:18:47,890 Sure it's not. 1127 01:18:49,227 --> 01:18:50,897 So, any luck winning Gita back? 1128 01:18:51,688 --> 01:18:54,148 I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool... 1129 01:18:54,191 --> 01:18:57,821 but Bandhu is more craftier and handsomer than me. 1130 01:18:58,486 --> 01:19:00,196 Well, I think you're pretty darn cute. 1131 01:19:06,077 --> 01:19:07,077 Dopinder? 1132 01:19:09,039 --> 01:19:10,039 What was that? 1133 01:19:12,083 --> 01:19:17,713 That was Bandhu in the trunk. 1134 01:19:18,381 --> 01:19:19,671 Ban who? 1135 01:19:19,716 --> 01:19:22,506 My romantic rival Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. 1136 01:19:22,552 --> 01:19:24,222 I'm doing as you said, DP. 1137 01:19:24,262 --> 01:19:28,062 I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish, then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep. 1138 01:19:29,392 --> 01:19:31,062 I did not tell him to do that. 1139 01:19:31,102 --> 01:19:33,812 Absolutely not. It got lost in translation. 1140 01:19:33,855 --> 01:19:37,065 Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back! 1141 01:19:37,108 --> 01:19:38,228 I'm so proud of you. 1142 01:19:38,276 --> 01:19:40,566 Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like. 1143 01:19:40,612 --> 01:19:41,532 Kill him. 1144 01:19:41,571 --> 01:19:43,701 And then, win Gita back... 1145 01:19:43,740 --> 01:19:46,530 the old fashioned way: with your boyish charm. 1146 01:19:46,576 --> 01:19:47,906 Kidnap her. 1147 01:19:49,454 --> 01:19:50,624 He's super dead. 1148 01:19:56,086 --> 01:19:57,706 I presume a crisp high five? 1149 01:19:57,754 --> 01:19:59,094 For you? 10. 1150 01:20:00,590 --> 01:20:03,380 Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference. 1151 01:20:03,426 --> 01:20:05,296 You know what to do. 1152 01:20:06,263 --> 01:20:08,893 Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy! 1153 01:20:10,100 --> 01:20:12,100 Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas. 1154 01:20:13,603 --> 01:20:15,233 Not often a dude ruins your face... 1155 01:20:15,272 --> 01:20:18,232 skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama... 1156 01:20:18,275 --> 01:20:22,455 and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. 1157 01:20:22,487 --> 01:20:26,657 Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. 1158 01:20:39,629 --> 01:20:40,959 Hey. 1159 01:20:41,006 --> 01:20:42,296 Where's your duffle bag? 1160 01:21:01,151 --> 01:21:02,571 Bandhu? 1161 01:21:04,112 --> 01:21:06,242 Leave a message and have a happy day. 1162 01:21:06,281 --> 01:21:07,621 God damn it! 1163 01:21:07,657 --> 01:21:09,367 I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way... 1164 01:21:09,409 --> 01:21:12,829 with two swords and maximum effort. 1165 01:21:13,830 --> 01:21:14,830 Cue the music. 1166 01:21:31,014 --> 01:21:33,474 Wade Wilson! 1167 01:21:34,017 --> 01:21:35,637 What's my name? 1168 01:21:36,269 --> 01:21:37,849 I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya. 1169 01:21:40,190 --> 01:21:41,270 Go get some. 1170 01:21:41,316 --> 01:21:42,476 Superhero landing. 1171 01:21:42,526 --> 01:21:44,526 She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it. 1172 01:21:49,157 --> 01:21:50,317 Superhero landing! 1173 01:21:50,867 --> 01:21:51,947 You know, that's really hard on your knees. 1174 01:21:52,285 --> 01:21:53,695 Totally impractical. They all do it. 1175 01:21:54,204 --> 01:21:57,504 You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. 1176 01:21:57,541 --> 01:21:58,751 That's why I brought him. 1177 01:21:58,792 --> 01:22:02,002 I prefer not to hit a woman, so please... 1178 01:22:09,219 --> 01:22:12,309 I mean, that's why I brought her? 1179 01:22:13,849 --> 01:22:16,019 Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... 1180 01:22:16,059 --> 01:22:17,639 Just give us a second. Yeah. 1181 01:22:17,686 --> 01:22:19,016 There you go. Hashtag it. 1182 01:22:20,397 --> 01:22:22,227 Go get her, tiger. 1183 01:22:28,905 --> 01:22:32,655 I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex. 1184 01:22:33,368 --> 01:22:34,908 All right, then. Fire! 1185 01:22:46,673 --> 01:22:48,303 Finish fucking her the fuck up! 1186 01:22:48,341 --> 01:22:49,381 Language, please. 1187 01:22:49,426 --> 01:22:50,586 Suck a cock. 1188 01:23:16,620 --> 01:23:18,290 Look away, child. 1189 01:23:19,039 --> 01:23:20,369 Look away! 1190 01:23:27,714 --> 01:23:29,054 Wait! 1191 01:23:29,090 --> 01:23:30,260 Wait! 1192 01:23:30,300 --> 01:23:31,300 Cease fire! 1193 01:23:31,343 --> 01:23:32,683 Cease fire! 1194 01:23:32,719 --> 01:23:34,179 Fellas! Hey! Hey! 1195 01:23:35,555 --> 01:23:39,265 You only work for that shit-spackled muppet fart. 1196 01:23:39,309 --> 01:23:43,349 So, I'mma give you a chance for y'all to lay down your firearms... 1197 01:23:43,396 --> 01:23:46,396 in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle... 1198 01:23:46,441 --> 01:23:49,901 possibly even lover-like treatment. 1199 01:23:51,947 --> 01:23:53,237 Fine. 1200 01:23:53,281 --> 01:23:54,201 Commando! 1201 01:25:06,396 --> 01:25:07,306 Teabag! 1202 01:25:11,902 --> 01:25:12,862 Bob? 1203 01:25:13,945 --> 01:25:14,895 Wade? 1204 01:25:14,946 --> 01:25:16,236 Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since... 1205 01:25:16,281 --> 01:25:18,571 -Jacksonville. Fridays. -Since TGI Fridays. 1206 01:25:19,367 --> 01:25:21,077 Well, what the hell! 1207 01:25:21,661 --> 01:25:23,161 God, come here, you. 1208 01:25:25,332 --> 01:25:27,292 How are the kids? Good? 1209 01:25:27,834 --> 01:25:29,754 And Gail? She's still fixing that tuna casserole? 1210 01:25:29,794 --> 01:25:32,594 So good! But bad for the waistline, if you know what I'm talking about. 1211 01:25:39,304 --> 01:25:42,644 Your... On the left. You are beautiful woman. 1212 01:25:42,682 --> 01:25:43,732 That is so sweet. 1213 01:25:45,185 --> 01:25:46,105 Thanks. 1214 01:25:58,365 --> 01:26:01,955 Does he write you notes too? He's such a romantic. 1215 01:26:02,327 --> 01:26:03,697 Don't worry, baby. I'm comin'. 1216 01:26:05,330 --> 01:26:06,120 Fire! 1217 01:26:13,713 --> 01:26:15,173 Hey! 1218 01:26:15,507 --> 01:26:16,467 Climb on! 1219 01:26:53,503 --> 01:26:55,053 Motherfucking... 1220 01:27:06,433 --> 01:27:08,893 Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants. 1221 01:27:11,688 --> 01:27:12,858 You were right, beautiful. 1222 01:27:13,732 --> 01:27:15,442 Red really is my color. 1223 01:27:16,359 --> 01:27:17,319 Wade? 1224 01:27:17,360 --> 01:27:18,240 Don't worry, baby... 1225 01:27:18,695 --> 01:27:20,695 I'mma get you out of that shit-box. 1226 01:27:21,198 --> 01:27:23,408 What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours? 1227 01:27:23,450 --> 01:27:25,370 Oh, you never left. 1228 01:27:25,410 --> 01:27:27,540 But you did, asshole! 1229 01:27:27,579 --> 01:27:29,039 Deep breath, darling. 1230 01:27:30,582 --> 01:27:31,712 Oh, wait. 1231 01:27:32,834 --> 01:27:34,384 Wrong choice of words. 1232 01:27:36,588 --> 01:27:39,468 I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve. 1233 01:27:39,508 --> 01:27:40,588 'Cause I'mma go lookin'! 1234 01:27:42,010 --> 01:27:44,050 I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. 1235 01:27:44,554 --> 01:27:45,434 When I'm finished... 1236 01:27:45,680 --> 01:27:47,520 parts will have to grow back you. 1237 01:27:47,557 --> 01:27:48,677 Good one. 1238 01:27:49,601 --> 01:27:51,521 Yep, that was a good one. 1239 01:27:51,561 --> 01:27:52,521 Let's dance. 1240 01:27:53,897 --> 01:27:55,147 And by dance, I mean... 1241 01:27:55,190 --> 01:27:56,270 let's try to kill each other. 1242 01:28:50,954 --> 01:28:53,164 Fine. Fists. 1243 01:28:53,456 --> 01:28:55,286 Sounds like your last Saturday night. 1244 01:30:17,207 --> 01:30:19,287 Asshole! 1245 01:31:15,640 --> 01:31:16,640 Hang in there, baby! 1246 01:31:17,142 --> 01:31:19,102 -Wade! -I gotcha! 1247 01:31:22,522 --> 01:31:24,482 I got a plan. You're not gonna like it. 1248 01:31:35,118 --> 01:31:36,238 Shit! Shit! Shit! 1249 01:31:42,209 --> 01:31:44,709 Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this. 1250 01:32:00,727 --> 01:32:01,807 Damn it! 1251 01:32:02,729 --> 01:32:05,609 Maximum effort! 1252 01:32:47,941 --> 01:32:48,941 Thanks. 1253 01:32:53,864 --> 01:32:55,534 Just take it slow. 1254 01:33:05,959 --> 01:33:08,589 Oh, my God! That was so... 1255 01:33:39,618 --> 01:33:41,198 There are no words! 1256 01:33:42,245 --> 01:33:45,865 Me and you are headed to fix this butterface. 1257 01:33:46,625 --> 01:33:47,635 What? 1258 01:33:50,170 --> 01:33:52,880 You stupid fucking idiot. 1259 01:33:53,423 --> 01:33:57,973 Did you really think there was a cure... for that? 1260 01:33:59,888 --> 01:34:00,808 What? 1261 01:34:01,264 --> 01:34:02,354 You heard me. 1262 01:34:04,142 --> 01:34:05,312 No. 1263 01:34:05,352 --> 01:34:06,602 No! 1264 01:34:13,777 --> 01:34:16,777 So, you mean to say... 1265 01:34:17,572 --> 01:34:21,832 after all this, you can't fix me? 1266 01:34:22,410 --> 01:34:24,540 It sounds even stupider when you say it. 1267 01:34:24,579 --> 01:34:29,669 Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for? 1268 01:34:33,505 --> 01:34:35,345 Any last words? 1269 01:34:37,217 --> 01:34:38,297 What's my name? 1270 01:34:39,427 --> 01:34:40,717 Who fucking cares? 1271 01:34:40,762 --> 01:34:41,552 Wade! 1272 01:34:43,181 --> 01:34:45,561 Four or five moments. 1273 01:34:46,142 --> 01:34:47,142 I'm sorry? 1274 01:34:47,185 --> 01:34:49,555 Four or five moments, that's all it takes. 1275 01:34:50,272 --> 01:34:51,152 To? 1276 01:34:52,315 --> 01:34:53,645 Be a hero. 1277 01:34:55,652 --> 01:34:58,402 Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. 1278 01:34:58,446 --> 01:35:02,026 Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. 1279 01:35:02,826 --> 01:35:04,616 Not true. 1280 01:35:04,661 --> 01:35:09,831 Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. 1281 01:35:10,208 --> 01:35:12,708 Moments when you're offered a choice. 1282 01:35:12,752 --> 01:35:16,922 To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend... 1283 01:35:17,716 --> 01:35:20,336 spare an enemy. 1284 01:35:20,760 --> 01:35:22,140 In these moments... 1285 01:35:22,929 --> 01:35:25,809 everything else falls away. 1286 01:35:26,516 --> 01:35:29,056 The way the world sees us. 1287 01:35:29,436 --> 01:35:30,436 The way we... 1288 01:35:34,691 --> 01:35:35,691 Why? 1289 01:35:36,943 --> 01:35:38,993 You were droning on. 1290 01:35:39,029 --> 01:35:42,069 Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread... 1291 01:35:42,115 --> 01:35:44,905 but at least fuckface won't heal from that. 1292 01:35:45,160 --> 01:35:47,790 If wearing superhero tights... 1293 01:35:48,246 --> 01:35:49,706 means sparing psychopaths... 1294 01:35:49,748 --> 01:35:51,918 then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em. 1295 01:35:51,958 --> 01:35:54,418 Not everyone monitors a hall like you. 1296 01:35:54,461 --> 01:35:55,631 Just promise... 1297 01:35:55,670 --> 01:35:59,420 Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout for the next four moments. 1298 01:35:59,466 --> 01:36:01,086 Oh, shit. 1299 01:36:01,134 --> 01:36:07,104 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy, about to stand in front of a girl... 1300 01:36:07,140 --> 01:36:08,470 and tell her... 1301 01:36:08,517 --> 01:36:10,597 What the fuck am I gonna tell her? 1302 01:36:10,644 --> 01:36:13,904 Well, you better figure it out. 1303 01:36:15,357 --> 01:36:16,647 I can't even tell you... 1304 01:36:16,691 --> 01:36:17,781 I deserved that. That, too. 1305 01:36:18,527 --> 01:36:20,277 No, no, no, maybe not the nethers. 1306 01:36:20,320 --> 01:36:22,110 Start talking! 1307 01:36:24,157 --> 01:36:25,737 I'm sorry. 1308 01:36:25,992 --> 01:36:27,452 I'm so sorry. 1309 01:36:28,286 --> 01:36:30,826 For everything, I'm sorry for leaving... 1310 01:36:32,332 --> 01:36:34,422 I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner. 1311 01:36:34,459 --> 01:36:36,539 It's been rough couple of years. 1312 01:36:36,586 --> 01:36:37,246 Rough? 1313 01:36:45,053 --> 01:36:46,893 I live in a crackhouse. 1314 01:36:48,139 --> 01:36:49,469 With a family of 12. 1315 01:36:51,226 --> 01:36:52,766 Every night we spoon for warmth. 1316 01:36:52,811 --> 01:36:55,861 Everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest. 1317 01:36:55,897 --> 01:37:01,737 There's nothing that we don't share. Floor space, dental floss, even condoms. 1318 01:37:09,870 --> 01:37:12,040 So, you live in a house. 1319 01:37:20,881 --> 01:37:23,841 I should have come and found you sooner. 1320 01:37:25,302 --> 01:37:29,262 But, baby, the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember. 1321 01:37:33,643 --> 01:37:34,853 You mean this mask? 1322 01:37:54,998 --> 01:37:56,578 And this one. 1323 01:37:58,043 --> 01:37:59,843 In case the other fell off. 1324 01:38:02,797 --> 01:38:05,087 All right. Yeah, just... 1325 01:38:05,133 --> 01:38:06,843 Like a Band-Aid, just give it a... 1326 01:38:06,885 --> 01:38:09,105 Owdie 5,000. 1327 01:38:09,137 --> 01:38:10,097 Wait, wait, wait... 1328 01:38:12,057 --> 01:38:13,307 Are you sure? 1329 01:38:15,185 --> 01:38:16,195 I'm sure. 1330 01:38:26,696 --> 01:38:27,566 Wow. 1331 01:38:28,949 --> 01:38:30,069 Yeah. 1332 01:38:36,998 --> 01:38:38,328 Hey... 1333 01:38:40,585 --> 01:38:42,335 After a brief adjustment period... 1334 01:38:42,879 --> 01:38:44,799 and a bunch of drinks... 1335 01:38:46,216 --> 01:38:48,176 it's a face... 1336 01:38:52,639 --> 01:38:54,269 I'd be happy to sit on. 1337 01:39:01,731 --> 01:39:05,441 I'm not the same underneath this suit, either. 1338 01:39:05,485 --> 01:39:06,275 No. 1339 01:39:06,820 --> 01:39:08,780 Super-penis. 1340 01:39:08,822 --> 01:39:10,702 Come on, Wade. Language. 1341 01:39:10,949 --> 01:39:12,329 Young one is present. 1342 01:39:13,410 --> 01:39:15,290 What are you still doing? 1343 01:39:15,328 --> 01:39:18,038 Get out of here. Go make yourself useful! 1344 01:39:18,081 --> 01:39:20,881 You, go be a really big brother to someone. 1345 01:39:20,917 --> 01:39:22,667 Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. 1346 01:39:22,711 --> 01:39:24,671 And you, chicken noodle... 1347 01:39:24,713 --> 01:39:26,513 nothing compares to you. 1348 01:39:26,548 --> 01:39:28,628 Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry. 1349 01:39:28,675 --> 01:39:31,385 That's all right. You're cool. 1350 01:39:33,305 --> 01:39:35,015 What in the ass? 1351 01:39:35,056 --> 01:39:38,096 That was not mean! I'm proud of you! 1352 01:39:38,518 --> 01:39:41,688 We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade. 1353 01:39:41,730 --> 01:39:44,860 For a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion robots... 1354 01:39:44,900 --> 01:39:47,110 coming together to form one super robot. 1355 01:39:47,986 --> 01:39:49,196 There's a stupid. 1356 01:39:49,237 --> 01:39:50,277 Yeah. 1357 01:39:53,742 --> 01:39:58,122 And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for. 1358 01:40:01,875 --> 01:40:03,005 Come here. 1359 01:40:12,886 --> 01:40:15,846 Wham! As promised. 1360 01:40:28,902 --> 01:40:30,072 See? 1361 01:40:30,111 --> 01:40:33,701 You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. 1362 01:40:33,740 --> 01:40:36,620 The right girl will bring out the hero in you. 1363 01:40:37,118 --> 01:40:40,618 Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. 1364 01:40:40,664 --> 01:40:42,254 There we go, that looks nice. 1365 01:40:42,290 --> 01:40:44,670 That's gonna be about the only thing that's pulling out tonight. 1366 01:40:44,709 --> 01:40:48,089 Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? 1367 01:40:48,129 --> 01:40:51,969 Till next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy singing... 1368 01:40:52,008 --> 01:40:57,888 I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you 1369 01:47:07,843 --> 01:47:09,393 You're still here? 1370 01:47:12,013 --> 01:47:15,063 It's over. Go home. 1371 01:47:16,726 --> 01:47:21,056 You're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. 1372 01:47:22,107 --> 01:47:25,147 What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up? 1373 01:47:25,193 --> 01:47:27,863 With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number? 1374 01:47:27,904 --> 01:47:29,534 Go. Go. 1375 01:47:35,787 --> 01:47:38,327 But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret. 1376 01:47:38,373 --> 01:47:41,583 For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. 1377 01:47:41,626 --> 01:47:44,046 Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. 1378 01:47:44,087 --> 01:47:46,377 We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. 1379 01:47:46,423 --> 01:47:49,723 Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren... 1380 01:47:49,759 --> 01:47:52,259 Keira Knightley. She's got range. Who knows. 1381 01:47:52,304 --> 01:47:53,724 Anyway, big secret. 1382 01:47:53,763 --> 01:47:58,273 And don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. 1383 01:47:59,227 --> 01:48:43,687 Go.